Brock and Mitch
thedrys
July 14, 2010 (1:36 PM)
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Nail on the head? | | lehmanhatesbaldorf
July 14, 2010 (6:16 PM)
Not just better fans than you, Drys, but just better than
you...
Go Big Red!
| thedrys
July 15, 2010 (11:20 PM)
Not timely, but hilarious none the less.
Texas is the hottest, richest chick around. She can have
anybody she wants. If you land Texas , all of your dreams
come true. What you don’t realize is that at the end of the
day, you are going to be sitting outside of the dressing
room at Nordstrom’s with your thumb up your ass holding her
purse while she tries on a bunch of really expensive ****.
If you can live with her wearing the pants in the family,
then fine. But you’d better learn to like working for her
daddy and having her tell you what to wear when you go to
the club for dinner on Sunday nights.
OU is a hot chick with big fake boobs who spends lots of
time in the gym, but she’s a huge wh*r*. The bad news is
that OU will cheat on you. The good news is that OU doesn’t
care if you cheat on her. It’s all fun and games until
someone doesn’t practice safe sex or your neighbors are
snickering at you behind your back because your girl got
double teamed by a couple of conventioneers at the Anatole
the week of the Cotton Bowl.
A&M is somewhat good looking and intelligent, but
completely bat **** crazy. You can’t tell if A&M is
bipolar or just having really bad PMS. But either way, she
is going to say and do a whole bunch of **** that is just
going to leave you scratching your head or ducking for
cover. A&M also has two really huge problems: 1) A&M
thinks she is much hotter and much smarter than she really
is; and 2) She’s got all sorts of issues with Texas . Both
of those feed into her mania. You don’t know what you are
getting with this nut job, but it wouldn’t surprise you if
she cut off all of her hair and joined the SEC, and then 10
minutes later realized how bad she f*cked up and came back
to you in hysterics.
Colorado is the hippy chick who spends all day on Pearl
Street dropping empty gas tank lines on the tourists until
her father comes to pick her up in his Benz on the way home
from his law practice. Colorado is desirable as long as you
can duck batteries, put up with poor hygiene and don’t mind
the smell of patchouli.
Tech is cute but has poor self esteem. If you pay any
attention to her whatsoever, she will love you forever.
She’s the type who gives you a smoker on the way to dinner
and would be just as content to be your f*ck buddy. The
worse you treat Tech, the more she loves you.
Oklahoma State is a less attractive and sluttier version of
OU. She might look pretty good if you’ve had a few drinks,
and she’ll let you do anything you want to her in bed. You
also might think that she’s rich, but then you find out that
all of her credit cards are maxed out and she can’t afford
the car she’s driving.
Baylor is overweight, homely and manipulative, and is always
sticking her nose into your business where it doesn’t
belong. Baylor will try every trick in the world to land the
right guy. Baylor will lie, cheat, steal, backstab,
blackmail, etc… and then justify it all by going to church
on Sunday and asking Jesus for forgiveness. The worst part
about Baylor is that she won’t give it up, but will try to
cock-block you every chance that she gets.
Nebraska is a cougar who has lost her fastball and is
jealous of the other hotter chicks (i.e., Texas ). She just
spent $2500 on botox and lip injections, and she now looks
like the joker when she smiles. It’s sad to see such a
former hottie act so desperately and what’s worse, she can’t
decide whether she should try to hook up with an aging sugar
daddy or go have a series of one-nighters with the drunk
twenty-somethings she picks up at Midnight Rodeo.
Kansas is your classic butterface. Great body, but she looks
like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the
way down. At the end of the day, the bad grill outweighs the
nice tight a$$, because you never want to take her out in
public. The last thing you want is to wake up the next
morning and have Kansas staring you in the face.
Missouri is cute, but not hot. She’s a nice girl and has a
great personality, but needs to drop about 15 lbs. You can
see how she could be more attractive, but she’s not ever
going to be very sexy, no matter what she does. Missouri is
the girl you feel guilty cheating on, but you do it
anyway.
Kansas State is overweight and stupid. A few years ago when
she lost a ton of weight and looked pretty good, you hooked
up with her. Now, you look back and can’t even imagine that
it is the same human being. You ignore her Facebook friend
request and pretend you don’t recognize or remember her when
you run into her in public.
Iowa State is the drunken fat chick at the end of the bar
that is just happy to be out of the house. The other girls
are nice to Iowa State , mostly because they all look better
standing next to her. Iowa State is the type who gets stuck
with the huge bar tab at the end of the night and goes home
alone unless some really wasted chubby chaser ends up
tagging her.
| lehmanhatesbaldorf
July 16, 2010 (10:43 PM)
Texas: I call this meeting to order. Today's agenda topic:
Who stays and who goes. I'm looking for a quick vote.
Obviously, I like bossing all of you around, so I'm in.
Oklahoma?
Oklahoma: Hell, I'll stay. Do you really think I want to
join the SEC or Pac-10? I still go into shell shock when a
woman asks me if I have a Trojan on me, or if I walk past a
store in the mall that sells 'Crocs'.
Oklahoma State: In, yo. I'm afraid if I take this game to
LA, I may get shot.
Colorado: Staying. Unless the Pac-10 offers, and then I'll
leave so fast there will be burn marks in the carpet. But
they don't want me without you guys, so I'm probably still
stuck with you *ssh*l*s.
Missouri: Anyone know where the nearest U-Haul place is?
Texas: Jesus, can you be more obvious?
Missouri: What? Do you think I like being irrelevant? Do you
think I like hoarding championships in f*cking Softball? And
it's not even the cool softball where you drink and wear
inappropriate t-shirts that say things like "Balls
Going Deep". It's the lesbian kind of softball where
half of the cars in the parking lot are pink Cadillacs, and
the chicks that show up wear visors and Birkenstocks.
Kansas State: I'm not really into PC, but there's a lot
wrong with what you just said...
Missouri: You know what? I don't care. I'm going to go the
Big Ten, wipe my ass with piles of TV money, and spend my
winters buried in lake effects snow.
Texas: Wiping your ass with money is awesome.
Missouri: So, yeah, I'm out. f*ck you, f*ck you, (points at
Kansas) and double f*ck you.
Kansas: Well, that wasn't nice.
Texas: Alright, order...ORDER! Kansas State, what are you
doing?
Kansas State: Are you kidding me? Do you think I want to
join the Mountain West? In. A thousand times in.
Kansas: (Whispers to his attorney...) My lawyer says that it
would be in my best interest to stay.
Kansas State: Your lawyer?
Kansas: At this point, I have the FBI and IRS so far up my
ass that they've set up a branch office in my colon. So, I'm
taking him wherever I go.
Kansas' Lawyer: No more questions.
Texas: What an embarrassment. Tech?
Texas Tech: In. I go where you go my liege.
Baylor: God spoke with me last night, and he said that I
should form a conference with other like religious
institutions supported by the Almighty himself. However, he
said I had to fire Scott Drew because he's an Eddie
Haskell-style prick of the highest order, and I said,
"No." I like being good at basketball now. Also,
those Oral Roberts kids creep me out. They're like a
cult.
Iowa State: I will do anything to stay in this conference.
Anything. I am not above handing out sexual favors, and I
don't care who asks for it.
Texas: So if I ask you to have sex with a dirty hobo, you'll
do it?
Iowa State: Absolutely. You can even tape it if you'd like.
That would be a hundred times better than joining the
MAC.
Texas: Alright, we'll put that on the agenda for tonight
after dinner and drinks at Tomfooleries. Nebraska, what say
you?
Nebraska: I am 100% committed to exploring all of my
options.
Texas: Huh?
Nebraska: I am fully invested in this conference unless
something better comes along.
Oklahoma: How does sitting on that fence feel?
Nebraska: It kind of chafes.
Texas: And, finally, I'm afraid to ask. A&M?
Texas A&M: I want to join the sex conference.
(Texas puts his face in his palms...)
Texas: Do you mean the SEC conference?
Texas A&M: Yeah, I want to join the sex conference.
Oklahoma: I think we should let him go.
Texas: We can't. The state legislature says he can't go
anywhere without me.
(Texas A&M puts his mouth over the microphone in front
of him on the table and tries to swallow it...)
Texas: Alright, so we've got ten stays, one go, and one guy
who can't seem to figure out what he wants to do. Nebraska,
what can we do to get you off of the fence?
Nebraska: Nothing really. Joining the Big Ten is appealing.
I mean, it's like a time warp. Neither of us have really
been relevant since the late 90's, so it will be kind of
comforting to be amongst like-minded people. Michigan called
me and invited me over for a 90210 and Melrose Place
marathon.
Oklahoma: That's really sad.
Nebraska: Look, I want to be with other people who think
time stopped after the late 90's. Do you know how much being
me sucks right now? I haven't won a conference championship
in ELEVEN years. Hell, even Kansas State over there has won
a conference title since I have.
Kansas State: Kicked your ass too.
Nebraska: f*ck off. And my basketball program is an
embarrassment. In the Big Ten, Sadler ball will be
considered 'up tempo', and my waning baseball program will
be one of the southern most schools, so I'll have a leg up
there.
Texas: Everything you just said there makes me sad.
Nebraska: You're sad? The only reason I'm not sad is because
my entire state has been on Prozac since Tom Osborne
retired. Do you really think we like Pelini? The guy wears
sweatshirts on the sideline. SWEATSHIRTS. The guys in the
navy blue polo shirts at Wal-Mart that greet me when I walk
in look and act more professional than he does.
Oklahoma: Have you considered therapy?
Iowa State: I know a guy...
Dan Beebe: Hey, guys, what's up?
Texas: Dan, go back to your computer, keep playing
Minesweeper, and we'll call you when we're done.
Beebe: Sure thing, boss.
Texas Tech: That was kind of harsh, don't you think?
Texas: He should be thankful he still has a job. We used a
cardboard cutout of him a few weeks ago at a function with a
tape player attached to its back looping random,
non-committal statements, and no one knew it wasn't him
until Baylor tried to hand him a plate of barbecued chicken
and it dropped to the floor.
Texas A&M: I ate that chicken.
Oklahoma: Of course you did.
Texas A&M: It tasked like chicken.
Kansas State: I just...nevermind.
Iowa State: You guys will take him with you and not me?
Texas: He brings more televisions than you do.
Iowa State: But he's retarded!
Texas: He's not retarded; he's just misunderstood. He hasn't
always been this way.
Iowa State: He's pissing himself again. Am I
misunderstanding that?
(Texas A&M smiles as the warm urine runs down his
leg...)
Texas: (Looks at A&M...) Look, I can't defend you
forever. At some point, you're going to need to snap out of
this.
Texas Tech: I've always wondered what goes on inside his
head.
(Texas A&M stares at the wall...)
(Dan Beebe lets out a shriek at his computer...)
Texas: Dan, don't worry. We all hit the mine from time to
time.
Beebe: No, that's not it. The Pac-10 is going to offer six
of you.
Kansas: Thank God! Screw you *ssh*l*s!
Beebe: They don't want you.
Missouri: HA HA.
Kansas State: Suck it.
Beebe: They don't want you either.
Kansas State: Well, duh.
Texas Tech: Who do they want?
Beebe: Texas, A&M, Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and
Colorado.
Colorado: Oh happy daaaaaaayyyyyy!
Texas Tech: Thank you sire!
Oklahoma: I'm going to get sick...yep, here it comes.
(Oklahoma vomits...)
Oklahoma State: sh*t. I'm gonna get shot.
Texas: Calm down, guys. We all want to stick around, right?
Well, let's not jump the gun here. If we're all in this
together, we'll stay. Nebraska, you in?
Nebraska: I'm firmly set on exploring all of my options.
Texas: Goddamnit. Make up your damn mind. Missouri?
Missouri: Kiss my ass.
Texas: Do either of you even have an offer from the Big
Ten?
Missouri: It's just a technicality. I'll get one.
Eventually.
Oklahoma: You sure you want to take that bet?
Missouri: I'd rather shoot for the moon than hang out with
you *ssh*l*s.
Texas: Alright, f*ck it. Enjoy Conference USA.
Colorado: Wait, we're not going to the Pac-10?
Texas: Not if we don't have to.
Colorado: Jesus Christ. I finally, through sheer dumb luck,
get a shot at getting what I want, and you *ssh*l*s start
cock-blocking me. Screw all of you, I'm out of here.
Beebe: Wait, the Pac-10 said that they may take Baylor
instead of you.
Colorado: SON OF A b*tch!!!
Texas: Alright, Colorado's back in. Nebraska,
Missouri...it's on you now. You have until Friday to figure
this out.
Nebraska: I will stay if you can promise me that the Big 12
Championship will be played in Kansas City at least every
other year.
Texas: Let's not get unreasonable now.
Nebraska: Unreasonable? UNREASONABLE??? You take all of the
money, get all of the good TV spots, and now you're getting
the title game in the Jerrydome every year. And I'm being
unreasonable?
Kansas State: You did kind of vote for the unequal revenue
sharing when you were, you know, good at football. Ten years
ago.
Oklahoma: Actually, it's been eleven years since they won
the Big 12.
Kansas State: I stand corrected. You were good at football
eleven years ago.
Nebraska: And you *ssh*l*s wonder why I want to leave.
Texas: Calm down everyone. Tempers are starting to get in
the way of reason. Let's just handle this calmly. Nebraska
and Missouri, you have until next Friday to decide if you
want to stay with us. If you don't, half of us will go to
the Pac-10.
Colorado: It's like a nightmare, but I'm still awake...
Kansas: I literally did not see this coming.
Kansas State: So where do the rest of us go?
Texas: Well, I can put in a good word for you with the
Mountain West or Big East.
Iowa State: What about me?
Texas: Have you ever considered trade school?
Kansas: You mean to tell me that my storied basketball
program is going to slum in the Mountain West?
Oklahoma: Sorry, dude, but this is about football. And, to
be honest, no one is going to party with a dude that's under
Federal investigation.
Kansas: Point taken. It's Kansas State's fault.
Kansas State: What the?
Texas: Kansas, you really are an *ssh*l*. Everyone said you
were, but I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. But,
yeah, you really do suck.
Kansas State: THANK YOU!!!
Missouri: Ha ha!
Beebe: If anyone needs me, I'm going to head to the
sh*tter.
Texas A&M: Me too. I'm going to the sh*tter for some
head.
(Everyone stares blankly at A&M...)
Texas: I think we're done here. Everyone, we've got a week
to figure this out. Go to your corners, make your calls, and
we'll hash this out later. Nebraska and Missouri, the ball
is in your court.
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| thedrys
July 23, 2010 (9:12 PM)
Brock, when did you start taking acting lessons?
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